


tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight.

by gayygabby



Category: Wynonna Earp (TV)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-08-10
Updated: 2020-08-10
Packaged: 2021-03-06 07:49:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,020
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25829947
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gayygabby/pseuds/gayygabby
Summary: nicole has waited 18 months, 3 weeks, and 4 days for waverly, but what happened during those months when nicole was alone.
Relationships: Nicole Haught & Rachel Valdez (Wynonna Earp TV), Waverly Earp/Nicole Haught, Wynonna Earp & Nicole Haught
Comments: 4
Kudos: 88





	tell me dear, are you lonesome tonight.

**Author's Note:**

> this is following the storyline pre 4x03. so it's not completely accurate. I created a playlist that goes along with the story. I'm thinking of adding another chapter that follows the story after everyone returns, let me know if that's something you'd like to read. this is a heavy one, so buckle up. 
> 
> come yell at me on twitter @gayygabby
> 
> link to the playlist: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/6hUiQ3TTIR7HF7SVrrkeU9?si=3PF7tiGnSmOHXzgFikOZOQ

Day One.

_**“What have I become, My sweetest friend? Everyone I know, Goes away in the end”** _

Nicole can’t remember how she made it out of the Black Badge building. She vaguely heard the ringing of the blast, which sent the scientists flying in every direction. 

She heard Rachel’s voice, “Nicole”

But the pain coursing through her body stopped her from responding. She felt the tug on her arm, pulling her up. She remembers the scream that ripped from the back of her throat.

“I promised Wynonna. Come on Nicole”, Rachel said, wrapping an arm around her waist. 

Rachel held onto her tightly, as they hobbled through the building, desperate to find the way out.

Light shined through the cracked doorway. Rachel kept her grip tight on Nicole, as they exited the building. Wynonna’s truck sat still in the lot, keys are thrown into the passenger seat.

“Okay, I need to fix the seat”, Rachel said, placing Nicole against the truck. Rachel pushed the seat back all the way, giving room for Nicole.

Nicole nearly passed out when Rachel helped her into the truck. Her leg throbbed as the pain continued to shoot up her body.

“Do you even know how to drive?”, Nicole remembers asking, her eyes closing slowly.

Rachel laughed next to her, “We’re about to find out”

Nicole doesn’t remember much of the drive. The sound of voices around her stirred her slightly. She looked around the room. The walls were white, not much color surrounded her. 

“You’re awake”, Rachel says, standing at the door.

Nicole looked down noticing the cast that ran from her foot to the middle of her thigh. Her hands ran over the hard material.

“They said you broke it in three places. You’ll need that on for at least 4 weeks”, Rachel says, taking a step into the room.

“Fuck”, Nicole groans.

“They said we can go home once you wake up”, Rachel says nervously as she watches Nicole.

The word home replayed in Nicole’s mind. 

But it wasn’t home.

Not without Waverly, and not without Wynonna.

But she promised Wynonna. Nicole would be there when Wynonna returned.

“Okay kid. You’ll come with me”, Nicole spoke, trying to give a smile to Rachel.

Nicole was able to leave the hospital within the next few hours. A pair of uncomfortable crutches rested underneath her armpits. Rachel helped Nicole back into the truck and quickly got into the driver’s side.

“First thing when we get home, I’m giving you a driving lesson”, Nicole says, holding onto the side of the truck.

Rachel laughs beside her. Nicole is able to stay awake to direct Rachel to the homestead. Her heart starts to thump in her chest as they make their way up the long and snow-covered driveway.

“This is it”, Nicole says, motioning to the homestead.

“Looks homey”, Rachel responds, putting the truck into park.

Nicole nods, sitting up slightly to open the truck door. Rachel helps her the rest of the way out and across the snow-covered driveway.

Nicole pushes open the front door. Her heart sinks as soon as she steps foot inside. She can see Waverly’s coat hung up on the door. She sees the various bottles of Wynonna’s whiskeys across the table.

She closes her eyes, trying to subside the pain that was now rampant in her chest.

Rachel stays quiet beside her, careful not to disturb Nicole. 

Nicole clenches her jaw, trying to push the tears back. They will be back soon. Wynonna will come back, and so will Waverly. Hell Nicole even needed Doc to come back.

“You can take the bedroom upstairs”, Nicole finally says, turning to face Rachel.

Rachel gives her a small smile and heads down the hallway and up the stairs. Nicole follows behind but heads for the living room instead.

Nicole places her crutches on the side of the sofa. Lifting her legs onto the sofa, and resting her head against the pillow.

She closes her eyes, and Waverly flashes into her mind. 

_“Baby”, Waverly giggles as Nicole presses kisses against her neck._

_Nicole smiles, letting her teeth nip gently at the skin on Waverly’s neck._

_“That tickles”, Waverly hums as she threads her fingers through Nicole’s hair_

_Nicole lifts her neck from Waverly’s, smiling widely, “What are you going to do about it?”_

_Waverly rolls her eyes, tightening her grip in Nicole’s hair, “I’ll show you”_

_Nicole doesn’t have time to react before Waverly’s hands are digging into her sides, tickling her roughly._

_Nicole lets out a yelp, as Waverly laughs beside her._

_“Okay, okay. You win”, Nicole breaths out, holding her hands up in defeat._

_Waverly smiles, then presses a kiss to Nicole’s cheek._

“Nicole”

Nicole’s eyes fly open as Rachel stands above her. Holding a blanket in her hands. 

“I brought you a blanket. And there was a t-shirt on your bed, I thought it would be comfortable for you to sleep in”, Rachel says, handing Nicole the items.

Nicole’s throat tightness, as she sees the Purgatory Police shirt in her hands. The shirt that Waverly refused to give back to her because it made her feel closer to Nicole.

“Thank you Rachel”, Nicole says. “You can change into anything you find in the bedrooms.”

“Wynonna won’t be mad?”, Rachel questions

Nicole feels a smile tug at her lips, “No, she won’t be mad”.

“Okay. Well, I’m going to enjoy this bed. If you need anything just yell.”, Rachel says, rocking back and forth on her heels.

Nicole nods, “There should be water and some snacks in the kitchen if you need anything”. 

Rachel nods, turning towards the stairs.

“Hey Rachel”, Nicole says

Rachel turns around, looking back at Nicole.

“Can you just put on a record for me? They are sitting against the wall.” , Nicole asks. 

“Of course”, Rachel replies, making her towards the stack of records against the wall.

Nicole closes her eyes again, letting the flicker of the record player start to calm her aching leg and heart.

Nicole hears the record scratch, then soft music fills the room. She can hear Rachel move across the room. Rachel places a hand on Nicole’s shoulder and whispers a goodnight.

Nicole’s eyes stay closed, the music clouding her thoughts.

**_“I hurt myself today, to see if I still feel, I focus on the pain, the only thing that's real”_ **

The pain starts to grow. She desperately keeps her eyes closed, afraid to see her reality. 

**_“The needle tears a hole, the old familiar sting, try to kill it all away, but I remember everything”_ **

They were truly gone. Her Waverly, her beautiful and sweet love. And Wynonna, her best friend, and her right-hand man. The tears start building in the back of her eyes. 

The memories rip through her. The flashes of her aunt and uncle. The fire consuming the woods around her. The screams and the destruction. And they were gone.

Her parents. Who could not accept her desire to protect and do better. They were gone.

And now her family.

Dolls, Robin, Jermey, Nedley, Doc, Kate, Wynonna, and Waverly. Gone. 

She presses her face into the blanket. Letting the sob release from her chest. Tears soaking the blanket, as her hands hold tightly. 

Her chest aches. 

“They will be home. They will be home”, Nicole mutters to herself as the music continues to fill the room. 

“What have I become, my sweetest friend?, everyone I know, goes away in the end”

* * *

  
Week One.

**_“It's been seven whole days, without your embrace, I wanna see your face, I got some things to say”_ **

Nicole sits anxiously at the kitchen table. Her non-casted leg bouncing up and down. Her eyes focused on the front door of the homestead.

It had been a week since Wynonna went into the portal. Every day since Nicole had sat at the kitchen table from dawn to dusk. Holding her breath, waiting for them to return.

Rachel would check on her every hour. Placing a fresh glass of water and a piece of toast next to her. She hadn’t been able to hold down a full meal yet. Her stomach tightly wound in knots.

Her hair was disheveled, her beanie kept most of it covered. She still hasn’t been able to bring herself to shower or even change out of her clothes.

Darkness crept on her. The moon provides the only light throughout the kitchen. 

Nicole clenches her jaw, turning her attention to the calendar on the table next to her. She grabs the pen, crossing off another day. 

She placed her head in her hands, pressing tightly.

“Nicole”, Rachel’s voice says from behind her.

Nicole jumps slightly, clearing her throat, “What’s up?”

“I just wanted to make sure you were okay”, Rachel says nervously 

Nicole lets out a dry laugh, “Just peachy”

“That was insensitive of me to ask”, Rachel replies, turning to exit the kitchen.

“Wait”, Nicole calls out. She hears Rachel turn back into the kitchen, and take a seat next to her.

“I’m sorry”, Nicole says, lifting her head from her hands.

Rachel studies Nicole’s face, where her heartbreak was so evident.

“I know you may not feel up to it, but you could tell me about them?”, Rachel says, “When you asked me to tell you about my mom and family, it made me feel a little better”.

Nicole shifts her weight on the chair, chewing on her bottom lip. 

“I can try”, Nicole says, voice hoarse.

Rachel smiles, giving Nicole a moment to collect her thoughts.

“Uh, I don’t know where to start”, Nicole chuckles nervously.

“Tell me how you met them?”, Rachel responds 

Nicole lets her eyes flutter closed.

A sound of a yelp startles her as she pushes through the door at Shortys.

_She sees a girl, long brown hair thrown over her shoulder. Nicole has seen her around town before, her breath catching in her throat every time she gets a glimpse of her. The wet shirt pressed tightly against her body and the shortest shorts she’s ever seen._

_Nicole opens her mouth before she can tell herself not too._

_“I didn’t know Shorty’s had a wet t-shirt competition”, Nicole says leaning on the wooden door._

_“You did not say that!”, Rachel says, eyes wide._

_Nicole laughs, a real laugh, “I’m not even finished with the story”._

_“It’s been a crazy night”, the girl says, patting herself as dry as she could._

_“I’m sorry I wasn’t here to see it”, Nicole says, placing her stetson down on the bar. She pauses before extending her hand, “I've been meaning to introduce myself, I’m Nicole. Nicole Haught”_

_“Hi”, the girl says connecting their hands_

_“And you are Waverly Earp”, Nicole says, with a wide smile, “Quite the popular girl around here”._

“This is like a scene out of gross romantic comedy”, Rachel says, gagging slightly

It makes Nicole think of Wynonna. Nicole wishes she could be here to listen to this story. She would make some crass jokes and make Waverly giggle.

Nicole clears her throat, continuing.

_“You know it’s all in the smile and wave”, Waverly responds nervously._

_“Can I actually get a cappuccino to go?”, Nicole says, after a moment_

_Waverly shakes her head, the smile never fading, “I’m sorry, we aren’t actually open”_

_Nicole looks around the bar, “Oops my bad”, she pauses for a moment, “When I see something I like, I don’t want to wait”._

_Nervous energy fills the bar before Nicole speaks again, “And your door was open”._

_Waverly smiles, nodding along with Nicole’s words._

_“God, I’m sopping wet. I keep telling Shorty he needs to fix the darn taps”, Waverly says, pulling at the wet material of her shirt._

_“Sorry do you mind?”, Waverly says, motioning for Nicole to close her eyes as she takes off her shirt._

_Nicole blushes and quickly turns around. She can hear Waverly struggling with her shirt._

_“Ah officer, I’m stuck.”, Waverly says, turning slightly to face Nicole._

_Nicole jumps up and moves towards Waverly. Reaching out to help her pull the shirt over her head._

_“Good thing you aren’t some guy because this would be really really awkward”, Waverly says, breath catching in her throat as Nicole smiles widely at her._ “And the rest was history”, Nicole says, smiling as Rachel’s jaw was dropped open.

“Wow. Who can say chivalry is dead after that”, Rachel replies, shaking her head.

Nicole smiles for a moment longer, till the ache fills her chest again. 

“What about Wynonna?”, Rachel asks 

Nicole sees the memory replay in her head. Sitting with her back against her office desk with a beer in her hand, as Wynonna sits next to her. The feeling of belonging that filled her as Wynonna talked with her.

Wynonna was a pain in her ass, but she was her best friend. A ride or die, type of friend.

Nicole feels tears slip down her cheeks. She wipes them away hastily.

“I think I’m done for tonight. I’m sorry”, Nicole whispers, not daring to look over at Rachel.

Rachel reaches out, putting a hand on Nicole’s, “You don’t have to be sorry, Haught”.

Nicole sobs. Rachel’s words mimicking what Nicole had said to Wynonna after Dolls passed.

Nicole lets Rachel rub soothing circles on her hand, as she cries. Nicole wishes she could be stronger at this moment. She wishes she could stop crying.

“They’ll be back”, Nicole cries, desperate to believe her own words. 

“They will, from what I can tell, they will fight to get back to you”, Rachel says quietly.

Nicole nods, not trusting her voice. 

“It’s late, we should go to bed”, Rachel speaks after a few moments.

Nicole nods again, grabbing her crutches as she stands up from the table. She tries to brush away the tears, but they don’t stop falling.

Nicole moves through the kitchen into the living room where she’s been sleeping. She sits down, pulling the blanket over her legs. 

“Nicole”, Rachel says softly 

Nicole turns around to look at Rachel

“Thank you for telling me about her”

Nicole gives a weak smile, “Thank you for listening”

Rachel gives her a smile in return, before heading up the steps.

Nicole leans her head back on the couch, holding the Purgatory t-shirt that Rachel gave her a week ago. She pushes her nose into the fabric.

Waverly’s smell is still faintly there, she inhales deeply, trying not to forget the smell of her coconut shampoo and fresh perfume.

“I miss you so much”, Nicole mutters into the shirt.

Nicole falls asleep, clutching the shirt to her chest.

* * *

Week 5.

_**“I know I'll be alright, but I'm not tonight** _   
_**I'll be lying awake counting all the mistakes I've made”** _

  
They start fixing up the homestead as soon as Nicole’s cast comes off. Protecting the outside and the inside. Commotion in the town had started to kick up. Nicole still had not ventured back. 

Rachel helped Nicole set up traps on the homestead land, careful to leave a place for them to walk. 

“Why are we doing this?”, Rachel asks as they dig through the snow, finding a perfect place to lay a trap.

“I promised them I would protect our home”, Nicole mumbles, as she digs her shovel deeper into the snow. 

Rachel just nods, digging another whole.

“I gotta get the cameras set up. I bought them a while back, but didn’t get a chance to put them up”, Nicole says after they finish planting their last trap.

“Cameras?”, Rachel questions, as she looks up at Nicole.

Nicole nods, already making her way to the barn. Rachel groans, quickly following behind her.

Nicole pushes open the barn door, leaving room for Rachel to slip in behind her.

“Wow, lots of tools in here? Wait is that a bed?”, Rachel asks curiously as she looks around.

“The men sleep out here”, Nicole smiles slightly to herself.

“Ah, the doghouse”, Rachel responds running her hand across the cold tools. 

Nicole rummages through some boxes until she finds the cameras. 

“Okay kid, let's hang these up. I’m going to put one on the barn and then two on the house.”, Nicole says, placing the cameras in Rachel’s hands.

Nicole grabs the ladder, dragging it behind her outside. Nicole sets the ladder up against the barn door, then gets herself situated on the ladder.

“The first one”, Nicole says, placing her hand down so that Rachel could place the camera in her hand.

“Are you always this bossy when it comes to housework?”, Rachel questions, a smirk on her lips.

Nicole scoffs, “You sounds like Wynonna”

_“Haught! I’m done”, Wynonna yells from the other side of the yard._

_“Wynonna you did one patch of grass!”, Nicole yells back, as she tosses the soil against the side of the house._

_Wynonna whines, “But it’s so hot out”_

_Wynonna is not wrong. It’s the middle of July, and the sun is beating down on Purgatory. Nicole has a pair of running shorts on and her sports bra on, her hair tied up in a small bun._

_“We need to finish it”, Nicole says, patting down the soil._

_She agreed to help Waverly plant flowers around the homestead, but Nicole seemed to be doing all the work._

_“If we just got a riding mower as I asked, I could have sat my top shelf ass down”, Wynonna cries out as she pushes the mower around in circles._

_Nicole curses to herself, trying to ignore Wynonna and focus on leveling out the soil. She’s almost finished packing and evening the soil, when she feels a cold splash hit her back._

_Nicole shrieks as water pours down her back. Wynonna laughs loudly behind her, continuing to spray the hose at Nicole._

_“Wynonna I’m going to kill you”, Nicole screams, turning quickly to grab onto Wynonna._

_Wynonna quickly drops the hose and takes off across the yard. Nicole slips slightly on the wet grass under her feet._

_“Can’t get me”, Wynonna teases as Nicole gets her footing, before taking off again._

_Nicole chases Wynonna around the house before she’s finally able to grab her around her waist._

_“Are you hot anymore? Haught?”, Wynonna laughs as she tries to pry away from Nicole’s grip._

_Nicole gathers Wynonna in her arms and tosses her over her shoulder._

_“You better put me down right now. This might work on my sister, but it will not work on me”, Wynonna shouts, as she pounds on Nicole’s back._

_Nicole walks back to the hose, tossing Wynonna gently on the ground, before throwing her leg over Wynonna’s waist._

_“Are we about to kiss?”, Wynonna laughs wiggling her eyebrows at Nicole._

_Nicole smirks, as she picks up the hose and sprays it right in Wynonna’s face._

_Wynonna screams putting her hands in front of her face._

_“HEY”, a loud voice calls from behind them._

_Nicole turns around, still straddling Wynonna’s waist. Waverly is standing on the porch, with her hands on her hips, watching them both._

_“She started it”, Wynonna and Nicole say at the same time._

_Waverly shakes her head, moving down the porch._

_Nicole climbs off Wynonna, rolling onto her back next to her._

_“You’re in trouble”, Wynonna sings as they both sit up off the grass. Their clothes soaked and their skin covered in mud._

_“Shut up”, Nicole hushes Wynonna._

_Wynonna can’t stop the laugh that bubbles from her chest. Nicole looks over and can’t help but join Wynonna. They both laugh until their stomachs hurt._

Nicole pulls herself out of the memory. Her hand is still holding the camera. She shakes her head, focusing on the task at hand.

They finish putting up the cameras as the sun goes down. Nicole stands at the edge of the homestead, eyes surveying the homestead. Everything is safe.

She wishes for warm weather. She wishes for the sun. She wishes for Waverly. She wishes for Wynonna.

“They’ll be home”, Nicole tells herself once again. 

Nicole takes a deep inhale, “I hope you guys are safe, wherever you are. I hope you can’t hear me right now. I can’t wait to have my best friend back”.

Nicole kicks the snow underneath her boot, before heading back into the homestead.

* * *

Month 1.

**_“There's no easy way, it gets harder each day, Please love me or I'll be gone, I'll be gone”_ **

“Not that I’m pressuring you, but don’t you have a job”, Rachel says, as they sit at the table eating breakfast.

Nicole pushes around the food on her plate, “Yeah”

Rachel sees the tension rise in Nicole. She reaches out a hand, trying to get Nicole’s attention.

“It’s not really my business”, Rachel says quietly 

Nicole runs her fingers through her hair. It’s been growing longer, and Nicole has no energy to cut it again.

“I haven’t left the homestead in a month”, Nicole says, placing her fork down, “I don’t know if I even have a job.

Rachel nods, “It’s okay. This has been traumatic”

Nicole feels anger boil inside her, “It’s not traumatic. I’m here and safe. But they aren’t. I don’t need any pity from anyone”

Nicole pushes away from the table, storming outside into the barn.

“Fuck”, Nicole screams into the barn.

The scream floats around in the air for a moment. She collapses on the bed. Pulling her knees into her chest.

“I can’t do this”, Nicole cries to herself, “Not without them”.

She rocks herself back and forth, squeezing her eyes tightly.

She couldn’t be the sheriff, not now anyway. She had abandoned the town the moment Wynonna jumped into the portal. She didn’t care, which scared her most of all. 

Nicole did not care about the town or about being a cop. She didn’t care if everything went to shit. 

She only cared about getting them back. Nothing else mattered. She needed her people back, her family back.

Nicole let herself cry, tears stinging her eyes and cheeks. 

She was alone again. 

They were gone and she didn’t know what was going on. She didn’t know if they were hurt. If they slept or ate. If they were together.

If they were ever thinking of her. 

That thought hurt the most.

She pushes her hands against her chest, begging for the pain to subside. She kept rocking herself until she felt her eyes drift closed.

Hoping they’d show up tomorrow. She was losing control. 

* * *

Month 4.

**_“They say, "You're a little much for me, You're a liability, You're a little much for me"_ **

She decides it’s been long enough since she went into town. 

Nicole knows she needs to go back into the office. She doesn’t know what she’ll find or who she’ll find, but she can't avoid it forever.

It’s early spring, and the sun is warmer. She used to love spring.

Waverly would make picnics from them outside and would buy pretty plants to put in the front yard.

She doesn’t like spring anymore.

Nicole looks herself over in the mirror. Her shirt hangs off her, her body looking thinner. She runs her fingers across her cheeks, the dark bags etched into her skin.

She turns away from the mirror, not able to stomach the way she looks.

Rachel’s sitting in the living room when she comes out of the bathroom.

“I’m going into town”, Nicole says, as she grabs the keys off the table.

Rachel stands immediately, “Do you want me to come with you?”

Nicole shakes her head, “I have to face this on my own”

Rachel nods her head, “I’ll be here when you get back”

Nicole moves to place a hand on Rachel’s shoulder. 

The drive into town feels eerie. She looks along the road, noticing the bareness of the town. Houses seem abandoned and dark.

As she pulls down the main street her heart beats out of her chest. It’s like a ghost town. 

She parks the truck in front of the station. Her hands shake as she gets out.

Immediately a voice calls from beside her.

“Well, well isn’t it the supposed to be sheriff”

Nicole’s stomach drops. She turns around to see one of the deputy’s sitting against the wall. His uniform is torn slightly, covered in dirt.

Her mouth opens and closes a few times.

“Cat got your tongue”, He sneers, picking up a bottle covered by a paper bag.

“What happened?”, She finally says after a moment.

His laugh is dry, “It’s been months sheriff, now you want to know”

Nicole chews on the inside of her lip.

“Everyone’s gone. Well not everyone. I can't even get into my own house. Everything is deserted. I thought you’d come back to fix it all, but look how that turned out”, He states, “We all depended on you”

Dread fills Nicole. Her eyes begin to water.

“Earps up and left you, I hear. That’s what those are still here are saying”, He continues, “Guess you ain’t as strong by yourself sheriff”

“I-uh”, Nicole tries to muster up a response or even an apology.

He puts a hand up to stop Nicole, “Save it. Don’t nobody want to hear what you have to say”. 

Nicole nods, letting her tears fall down her cheeks.

“I thought you were different. We all did”, He says, before bringing the bottle back up to his lips.

Nicole can’t stay a minute longer, she turns quickly and jumps back into the truck.

She slams her hands against the wheel, pounding them a few times. She screams out into the truck, her chest burning.

She thought she was stronger, thought she could be okay without them. 

But she isn’t.

She’s ruined the town she loves. 

She thinks of Nedley and what he’d tell her. She thinks about his disappointment and another wave of emotions hits her.

She’s disappointed, everyone.

Nicole quickly turns the truck on and reverses. Her foot is pressing all the way down on the gas as she speeds out of town.

Her chest aches.

She pulls into the homestead, slamming the doors shut. Rachel is still sitting in the living room when Nicole enters.

Rachel sees the look in Nicole’s eyes. She moves to grab the bottle of Whiskey off the kitchen table and hands it to Nicole.

Nicole had been able to avoid drinking her sadness until now. 

She takes the bottle and dumps more than a glass full down her throat. Nicole nearly gags at the taste but invites the burning sensation to fill her throat.

“I’m so sorry”, Nicole says looking up at Rachel, “I’m trying”

Rachel grabs onto Nicole’s hand, pulling her to sit down on the couch.

“I’m so sorry”, Nicole repeats as tears fall from her eyes.

“Let it out Nicole, I’ve got you”, Rachel says quietly.

Nicole sobs, taking another drink letting the alcohol fill her.

She’s lost control. Nothing truly matters without them.

She doesn’t matter. Not without Waverly and not without Wynonna.

Nicole tips the bottle against her lips, again and again.

* * *

Month 6.

**_“When somebody loved me, Everything was beautiful, Every hour spent together, Lives within my heart, When she loved me”_ **

  
Drinking is the only thing that numbs the pain.

And that’s how she ends up outside of Shorty’s. It’s not Shorty’s any longer.

Rachel went into town one day and told her it was taken over by someone named Chrissy.

Her heart dropped into her stomach at the name.

Nicole was already tipsy when she pushed into the bar. She took a look around noticing the multiple plants and cute decor placed throughout. 

It felt like a new world, one outside of Purgatory.

She took a seat at the bar, her baseball cap pulled down far enough to hide her eyes. 

“What can I get you”, A sweet voice says

Nicole tilts her slightly up, seeing Chrissy Nedley behind the bar.

“Just three shots of Whiskey”, Nicole mumbles, hoping to hide.

Chrissy stills for a moment, before turning around to pour Nicole’s drinks.

“Here”, Chrissy says, her tone harsh.

Nicole swallows the lump in her throat, nodding her head before downing the three shots in front of her.

The alcohol flows through her veins, her head feeling heavy.

“Another round”, Nicole slurs slightly.

Nicole sees movement under her hat. Chrissy places the drinks in front of her.

“Are you even going to say anything?”, Chrissy questions sternly.

Nicole looks up slightly. Chrissy is scowling at Nicole.

“Nothing to say”, Nicole says, shrugging as she downs another drink.

Chrissy grabs tightly onto Nicole’s wrist, “You don’t get to do that”

“Do what?”, Nicole hisses trying to pull her arm out of Chrissy’s grip.

“Sit there and drink. Act like everything’s fine”, Chrissy says, tightening her grip.

Nicole clenches her jaw, “Trust me I know”, Nicole grabs another drink with her non held hand, pouring it down her throat, “I’ve lost everything. Don’t you dare talk to me like that”.

Chrissy’s grip loosens on Nicole’s wrist, “You gave up on us. On the people who are still here”.

“I don’t care. As long as they’re gone. I don’t care”, Nicole says, tears threatening to fall.

“What would Dad say”, Chrissy asks quietly after a moment. 

Nicole lets the tears fall at Chrissy’s question.

“I don’t want to talk about it”, Nicole whispers.

Chrissy sighs, picking up Nicole’s empty shot glasses and pours another round. 

Nicole downs them as soon as Chrissy puts them in front of her. 

Chrissy cuts her off an hour later, but it’s too late she’s beyond drunk.

“You know I see how Waves and you were friends. You’re like super caring”, Nicole slurs, with a smile on her face. 

Chrissy smiles slightly, “I can see why Waves likes you”

Nicole smiles for a moment, then her heart drops.

“Do you think she would like me like this?”, Nicole says, eyes welling with tears.

Chrissy places a hand on Nicole’s forearm, “She loves you, Nicole. I’m sure she understands what you’re going through”

“You know just before she left. She told me she loved me. The first time she ever said it to me”, Nicole mutters, tears falling freely from her eyes, “and I didn’t even get to say it back. Wynonna interrupted us”.

Chrissy squeezes her forearm, “I’m sure she knows Nicole”

“But does she? I think she proposed but I don’t know. Chrissy, what happens if she doesn’t know. I didn’t get to tell her”, Nicole says, panic filling her voice.

“Nicole, calm down”, Chrissy replies

Nicole feels her chest tighten, “But she doesn’t know. I didn’t get to tell her”, Nicole’s heart racing in her chest, “What happens if she doesn’t know”

Chrissy moves out from behind the bar. Moving over to Nicole, grabbing her by her shoulders.

“Let me take you home”, Chrissy says pulling Nicole up off the stool.

Nicole’s chest keeps tightening, “I love her Chrissy. Why isn’t she back yet?”

Chrissy pulls her through the bar. The warm summer night hits her face as soon as the bar door opens. The warm air caused her to sweat slightly.

“Do you think that’s why they haven’t come back? Because they don’t love me anymore”, Nicole cries as Chrissy helps her into the car.

“Nicole, that’s not true. They love you so much”, Chrissy says as she drives down the main street, towards the homestead.

“I don’t know. Not anymore. They’re gone.”, Nicole cries out again.

Nicole lays her head against the window, crying quietly to herself. Chrissy pulls up to the homestead, helping Nicole out of the car.

Chrissy pushes the front door open. Rachel is sitting in the living room watching television but quickly puts a gun up as a noise comes from the front door.

“Nicole?”, Rachel calls out after a moment

“Yeah I have her”, Chrissy says

Rachel puts the gun down, moving towards Nicole and Chrissy.

“I’m Chrissy, one of Waverly’s friends. I had to bring her back”, Chrissy says, as she puts Nicole down on the couch.

“I’m Rachel. I’m Nicole’s, uh friend”, Rachel says awkwardly.

Nicole has made herself comfortable on the couch, the purgatory shirt tucked under her chin as she holds onto it tightly.

Chrissy motions for Rachel to come with her. Rachel follows Chrissy into the kitchen.

“How is she?”, Rachel asks quietly, making sure Nicole can’t hear.

Chrissy chews on her bottom lip, “It’s really bad. Is she always like this?”

“It’s been getting worse. She’s drinking a lot more. I wish I could help her more. It’s heartbreaking seeing her like this”, Rachel says honestly 

Chrissy nods her head, “If you need anything let me know. I’ll give you my number”

“Thank you”, Rachel says with a smile.

“Are you going to be okay with her tonight”, Chrissy says hesitantly.

Rachel peers out of the kitchen to see Nicole fast asleep on the couch. 

“She’s already asleep, so I should be okay”, Rachel replies.

Chrissy gives one last glance at Nicole before giving Rachel a small smile. 

Rachel watches as the headlights of Chrissy’s car disappears into the night. She walks over to Nicole sleeping on the couch.

Rachel grabs the blanket off the floor and places it on Nicole, making sure not to wake her. She creeps back into the kitchen to fill a glass of water for Nicole.

“They’ll be back”, Rachel whispers, as she places the glass on the table next to Nicole.

Nicole doesn’t stir. 

“They’re coming back for you. They have to”, Rachel repeats once more.

* * *

Month 10.

  
**_“If you're not here to turn the lights off, I can't sleep, These four walls and me”_ **

Her eyes burn, but she can’t bring herself to close them.

Every noise keeps her awake. She’s afraid to shut her eyes.

The clock glows lightly in the dark room. 

2:30.

Nicole has been trying to sleep for hours now. She tosses and turns, desperate to find some relief.

It doesn’t come. 

She pulls the blanket tighter across her body. 

If Waverly was there, she would have been warm.

She could have fallen asleep in an instant, tucked into her arms, letting Waverly draw soft circles on her back.

Waverly would press a soft kiss to her cheek, letting her lips rest there for a moment.

Nicole presses her eyelids tighter, trying to remember.

She wants to remember the feeling of Waverly’s lips on her skin. 

Their fingers intertwined as Nicole drove her to Shortys.

The way Waverly would wrap her arms around Nicole’s waist, and bury herself into Nicole’s chest when they hugged.

She wanted to hear her laugh, and the way her eyes crinkled when she smiled.

She wanted it all back.

She thought of Wynonna too.

Nicole could kill for a forceful Wynonna hug, one that made her feel strong.

She wanted to hear Wynonna’s jokes, she didn’t care if they were about her.

She needed her guidance, and she needed her best friend.

Nicole opens her eyes, looking over at the clock.

2:35.

Sleep won’t come easy tonight.

* * *

  
Month 14.

**_“Sweet dreams of you, Things I know can't come true”_ **

  
“Baby”, a distant voice says, “Baby, wake up”

Nicole shakes awake. She’s laying in Waverly’s bed, tucked under heavy blankets.

“Baby”

Nicole looks over, and Waverly is looking down at her.

Nicole scurries upwards, pushing herself against the headboard.

“What the fuck”, Nicole whispers, eyes wide.

Waverly’s smile falters, “Nicole”

Nicole shakes her head, rubbing her hands over her eyes.

“This isn’t real”, Nicole says, rocking herself back and forth.

She feels a hand on her face, Nicole gasps at the touch.

“Did you have a nightmare?”, Waverly asks, moving closer to Waverly.

“You’re gone. You aren’t here”, Nicole replies.

Waverly peels Nicole’s hands away from her eyes.

“Look”, Waverly says, placing Nicole’s hand on her chest, “You feel that”

Nicole feels the thumping of Waverly’s heart underneath her fingertips.

Nicole’s eyes filled with tears, she scrambled forward nearly throwing herself onto Waverly.

She holds on so tightly, grasping at Waverly’s back.

“Nicole”, Waverly says after a moment.

Nicole gently pulls away from Waverly, tears pouring from her eyes.

“I missed you so much”, Nicole cries, letting her hand run across Waverly’s cheek.

“I’ve always been right here sweetheart”, Waverly says, giving Nicole a small smile.

Nicole shakes her head, “No you haven’t”

Waverly gives her a puzzled look.

“You’ve been gone for 10 months”, Nicole replies

Waverly just laughs, the sound healing Nicole’s aching heart.

“I’ve always been here”, Waverly says once more.

“I don’t understand”, Nicole says, leaning her forehead against Waverly’s.

Waverly leans up and presses a kiss to Nicole’s forehead, “You just had to find me”

“Waves, I have been looking everywhere. For you. For Wynonna. For everyone”, Nicole says, as her voice shakes.

Waverly brings a hand up to tuck a piece of hair behind Nicole’s ear, “I know, but you need to rest”

“I can’t”, Nicole says.

“I’ll find my way back to you”, Waverly responds, “Remember, where you go, I go?”

Nicole’s throat clenches, she tries to speak again.

Waverly places a finger against her lips, “I’ll find you again”

“No, don’t leave me. You just got back”, Nicole screams, grabbing tightly onto Waverly’s arms.

“Sh baby, I have to go now”, Waverly whispers, “I’ll be back”

“No, please don’t leave me”, Nicole pulls Waverly into her arms.

“You’ll be okay my love”, Waverly says, as her voice fades.

“No, no”, Nicole shouts, letting a sob rip from the back of her throat.

“NICOLE”

Nicole shoots up from the couch, clutching her hand to her chest. Tears are covering her shirt and sweat is building on the crown of her forehead.

Rachel stands over her, face contorted with worry.

“You were screaming”, Rachel says, sitting down next to Nicole.

Nicole presses against her chest. Trying to calm her breathing.

“She was there”, Nicole manages to choke up.

Rachel scoots closer to Nicole, pulling her into a bone-crushing hug. Nicole holds tightly onto Rachel, letting the warmth ease the pressure in her chest.

“Was it a nightmare?”, Rachel asks, after a moment.

Nicole nods, “Something like that”. 

“I’m sorry Nicole”, Rachel says, rubbing a hand up and down Nicole’s back.

“ I should be the one whose sorry. I didn’t mean to scare you”, Nicole replies nervously.

They sit together for some time until Nicole feels the panic in her chest subside. 

“I get nightmares too sometimes. Mostly about my mom”, Rachel says, “I know how much they hurt”

Nicole chews on the inside of her cheek.

“They’ll come back. I know it”, Rachel continues.

Nicole wishes she could believe it. Wishes she could have kept the faith she had in the beginning.

She doesn’t know if they’ll ever come back.

And at this point, she doesn’t even know if she wants them to come back.

She’s destroyed the town, and she’s destroyed herself. They wouldn’t want to be seen with her.

Not this new version of herself. 

She is merely a shell of a human being.

* * *

  
Month 18.

**_“_ _**B** ut I'd rather go on hearing your lies, Than go on living without you. Now the stage is bare and I'm standing there, With emptiness all around, And if you won't come back to me, Then make them bring the curtain down.”_ **

  
Nicole has not left the couch in weeks. She doesn’t sleep and she rarely eats.

Rachel tries to make her eat at least something every day. 

She’s tired. So damn tired.

She’s tired of being sad.

She’s tired of being scared.

She’s tired of missing them.

Everything hurts.

Everyone she loves is gone.

She has Rachel now, and that helps. She makes her smile and even laughs sometimes.

But it’s not enough.

All of her family is gone. Not a single person is there.

Her memory of them seems to fade each day.

She tries to remember, reciting memories of them before she attempts to sleep each night. 

It’s foggy most times. She hallucinates often.

Thinking she sees them coming through the homestead door.

She swears every morning she can smell the vegan pancakes Waverly used to make her.

Or the sound of Wynonna snorting at one of her jokes.

She swears it’s happening, but in a flash, it’s gone.

And so are they, still.

18 months later. 

Nicole is just so damn tired.

So close to giving up entirely.

Nothing has mattered to her in 18 months.

She doesn’t know if anything will matter to her again.

* * *

  
Month 18, Week 2, and 2 days.

**_“Don't let another day begin, Won't let the sunlight in, Oh, I'll never love again, Never love again, Never love again, Oh, I'll never love again”_ **

She crosses off another day on the calendar. 

Another day has gone, just like that.

Rachel has been following the routine each day, looking after the homestead. 

Nicole doesn’t do much. She tries, but everything feels too hard.

She’s a failure and a disappointment.

That’s what she tells herself, every damn day.

Rachel brings her a glass of water and a plate of fruit. She knows Nicole won’t eat it, but she does it anyway. 

“Thank you”, Nicole breaths out.

Rachel gives her a sad smile, sitting down next to her.

“How are you doing today?”, Rachel asks

Nicole shrugs, eyes cast down at the floor. 

“I thought it would be easier by now”, Nicole says after a moment. 

Rachel nods, “Grief looks different on everyone”

“I shouldn’t even be grieving. They aren’t dead”, Nicole fires back, “Just gone”

“You can still grieve them Nicole”, Rachel says quietly.

“What happens if they don’t come back?”, Nicole asks.

Rachel places a comforting hand on Nicole, “Then we wait for them”

“I won’t ever love anyone the way I love them”, Nicole chokes out.

She’s not sure how she still has tears left to cry. 

“They are my everything Rachel”, Nicole sobs, “My whole fucking life, is them”

Rachel stays quiet, letting Nicole speak her emotions.

“I was supposed to marry Waverly. I was supposed to see her walk down the aisle. We were supposed to have two kids so that they wouldn’t ever be alone.”, Nicole continues, “Wynonna was supposed to bring Alice home. She was supposed to walk Waverly down the aisle and make lesbian jokes during the ceremony. We were supposed to get matching tattoos, like lame best friend tattoos.”

Nicole pauses for a minute, “And Doc was supposed to see Alice grow up. And Jeremy and Robin were supposed to be our double date partners. And Nedley”

Nicole tries to compose herself, “He was like my father. The only man who never let me down.”

“And now everyone is gone”, Nicole collapses into the couch, wrapping her arms around herself, “It’s been 18 months of waiting. I’m so tired”

Rachel has tears falling from her cheeks, “I know”

Nicole holds herself tightly, the last strand of hope breaks.

“They aren’t coming back”, She whispers to herself, “They aren’t coming back”.

* * *

Month 18, Week 3, and 4 days.

**_“What's important is this evening I will not forget, Purple, blue, orange, red, These colors of feeling, Give me love, I'll put my heart in it”_ **

Nicole sits patiently, waiting for Rachel to return from town. She needed to grab some food and supplies for the homestead.

Nicole jumps slightly at a sound that came from outside. 

She grabs the gun sitting in the kitchen, quickly loading it, before heading towards the door.

Nicole swings open the door and fires two shots into the trees on the side of the homestead.

“Eat shit, shit eater”, Nicole screams as she moves on to the porch, “I’m warning you, no trespassing”

That’s when Nicole sees her. 

Standing small as ever, with her hair half pulled up and clothes covered in ash.

Nicole feels her stomach drop, as she realizes who she just shot at.

“Waverly”, the name feels distant coming out of her mouth.

Waverly makes the first move, taking off towards Nicole. 

Nicole’s body moves for her, running towards Waverly with her arms open. The weight of Waverly’s body hitting hers, makes her knees go weak.

She holds on tightly, afraid her body would go limp if she let go. She breathes in Waverly, her mind still not catching up with her.

“It’s me. It’s me”, Waverly whispers into Nicole’s ear.

Nicole lets her tears fall, gripping onto the back of Waverly’s head. Nicole pulls back and Waverly’s hands are instantly cradling her face.

“It’s me”, Waverly says again, “And it’s you”

Waverly smile stretches so wide, Nicole can see the crinkles form in the corners of her eyes. Nicole goes back to hug Waverly.

She’s afraid this is another dream, and that when she opens her eyes Waverly will be gone.

“I’m home”, Waverly breaths out, pulling Nicole closer into her body.

Nicole’s mind finally catches up to her.

“Are you real?”, Nicole asks, tears streaming down her face.

“Are you?”, Waverly responds with a small laugh.

Nicole feels herself laugh for maybe the first time in 18 months. 

“Get in here and check”, Nicole breaths out.

Waverly leans in and lets their lips collide. Nicole’s heart is thumping in her chest. The feeling of Waverly’s lips back on hers.

Nicole pushes her tongue between Waverly’s lips, needing deeper contact. Waverly’s hands fall into Nicole’s hair, gripping at the base of her scalp.

“Inside”, Nicole says, pulling back from Waverly.

Nicole basically carries Waverly through the door. Pushing her up against the wall as soon as she closes it.

Waverly tugs at Nicole’s jacket, quickly pulling it down and tossing it behind them. Nicole rids Waverly of her small jacket, letting it land on top of Nicole’s coat.

Nicole leans forward pressing hot kisses against Waverly’s neck, letting her teeth graze over the skin. 

“Baby”, Waverly moans, as Nicole sucks marks against her collar bone.

Nicole feels the weight of the world lifted off her shoulders. She moves her hands over Waverly’s bare sides and around her waist, holding her close.

Waverly’s hand slips under the thin tank top Nicole was wearing, quickly slipping it up over her head.

It’s been 18 months since she’s been this close to Waverly. A lump builds in the back of her throat, desperate not to ruin this moment Nicole focuses on Waverly’s hands.

Waverly’s hands are grabbing and squeezing at Nicole’s breast, letting her fingers pinch softly at Nicole’s nipples.

“Fuck”, Nicole hisses as Waverly drops her head to take a nipple into her mouth. Nicole places her hand behind Waverly’s head, holding her close against her chest.

Nicole tries to undo the front of Waverly’s pants, wanting to eliminate as many layers as she can. Waverly takes her mouth off Nicole, letting Nicole have easier access to her pants.

Waverly is pulling at Nicole’s belt, just as Nicole finishes undoing the tie on Waverly’s pants.

They kick their pants off to the side, letting the pile of clothes gather. Nicole’s hand slides around Waverly’s back, unclasping her bra. Letting Waverly’s breasts come free.

“You’re so beautiful”, Nicole says, leaving a trail of kisses down Waverly’s throat, moving down towards her breast.

Waverly sighs, throwing her head back against the door as Nicole pinches and sucks at Waverly’s.

Nicole’s heartbeat was pounding in her ears, as she teased Waverly.

“I need more”, Waverly whines, pushing Nicole’s head farther down.

“We have all the time in the world, let’s take this slow”, Nicole replies, dropping to her knees in front of Waverly. 

She rests her head against Waverly’s stomach, letting her hands roam the back of Waverly’s thighs, up to her backside. 

She presses soft kisses against Waverly’s stomach. 

Nicole can feel Waverly’s legs begin to shake underneath her fingertips.

“Here baby”, Nicole says, grabbing Waverly’s hand and pulling her to the floor.

Waverly giggles as she lays down on the cool flooring in the hallway, “Shouldn’t we just go upstairs?”

Nicole shakes her head, moving to get on top of Waverly, “I want you right here”

Waverly bites her bottom lip, “I want you too”

Nicole smiles, leaning down and connecting their lips. Waverly’s hands find their familiar place within Nicole’s hair, her fingers gently massaging at Nicole’s scalp.

Waverly moans when Nicole slips her tongue past her lips. Nicole can barely breathe by the time she pulls from Waverly’s mouth.

Waverly’s hands move out of Nicole’s hair, dragging her fingernails Nicole’s back, leaving soft scratch lines.

Nicole is rocking herself into Waverly, letting the sensation fill her.

“Jesus Nicole”, Waverly moans, grabbing onto Nicole’s backside, trying to push her closer.

Nicole feels the beads of sweat collecting on her forehead.

Waverly’s head is thrown back, as she desperately tries to grind her center on Nicole.

Nicole lets out a soft groan when she feels Waverly’s wet underwear press against her stomach.

In an instant, Waverly has pushed Nicole onto the floor and is crawling on top of her.

Nicole’s hands fall to Waverly’s waist, holding her securely on top of her.

Waverly starts to rock her hips against Nicole’s stomach.

Nicole can only watch, mouth agape.

Waverly’s eyes are squeezed tightly, letting her hands rest on Nicole’s bare chest as she keeps her hips moving against Nicole.

“God”, Nicole breathes out as she watches Waverly take what she needs, no longer timid in their intimate times.

Waverly’s eyes flutter open, she smiles and leans down to connect her lips with Nicole’s.

The kiss is sloppy, as Waverly continues to ride her stomach.

Nicole grabs onto Waverly’s backside, pushing and pulling to create friction for Waverly.

“Just like that”, Waverly calls out, moving upwards from Nicole’s lips.

Nicole can feel the wetness seeping across her stomach from Waverly’s underwear. She reaches up letting her hand grab at Waverly’s breast.

“I got you”, Nicole whispers, watching in wonder as Waverly’s hips pick up speed.

Waverly only moans in response, head tossed back and eyes squeezed shut.

“That’s it baby”, Nicole encourages her, tries to stay as still as she could.

Waverly’s hips rip forward, her thighs clenching around Nicole’s waist, as she comes shakily on top of Nicole.

Nicole’s heart beats so quickly in her chest, thinking about how she didn’t know if that type of moment would ever happen again.

Waverly lets out a shaky breath, thighs relaxing against Nicole’s waist.

“Welcome home”, Nicole says, a smirk on her lips.

Waverly smiles leaning down pressing a kiss to Nicole’s lips, “I’m home”

They try to make it to the bedroom after that, but Nicole can’t wait any longer to feel Waverly again.

She helps Waverly sit on the steps, legs spread wide.

Nicole licks her lips, as she takes in the view of Waverly topless, sitting with her legs spread open and smiling at her.

Nicole takes no time, leaning into to kiss Waverly again.  
She’s quicker with her kisses, letting them roam across Waverly’s neck and down her chest. 

“I want to kiss every inch of you”, Nicole breathes out, as her lips trace down Waverly’s arms and to the tops of her legs.

Waverly threads a hand through Nicole’s hair, “Anything you want”

Nicole reaches for the top of Waverly’s underwear, “Is this okay?”

Waverly nods, “More than okay”

Waverly sits up a bit, letting Nicole drag her underwear down her thighs. Nicole tosses it behind them, running her hands up and down Waverly’s thighs.

Her mouth is dry, as she peels apart Waverly’s thighs. Seeing the want dripping down the side of Waverly’s thighs. 

Nicole doesn’t waste a minute, diving in between Waverly’s thighs. Her mouth closes in on Waverly’s center.

“Fuck Nic”, Waverly cries out, hand falling into Nicole’s hair, holding her close.

Nicole closes her eyes, letting her tongue explore what she’s been missing for so long. She licks and sucks Waverly into her mouth, moving quickly.

Waverly’s hips rise up, trying to keep Nicole as close to her as possible.

Nicole lets the tip of her tongue dip inside Waverly, enjoying the feeling of Waverly in her mouth.

“Yes”, Waverly groans, keeping her vice grip on Nicole’s head.

Nicole keeps her lips against Nicole but brings her hand against Waverly’s center.

“Is this okay?”, Nicole says, pulling back slightly from Waverly.

“Nicole Haught, if you ask me that one more time-“

Waverly’s words are cut off by Nicole pushing two fingers inside of her. Nicole pumps in and out, letting her suck at Waverly’s clit.

Nicole feels Waverly’s wetness coating her hands and her face, but she doesn’t care. Nothing matters more than this moment and Waverly sitting in front of her.

“Baby”, Waverly chants, as Nicole picks up the pace.

Nicole doesn’t stop, pushing inside Waverly, trying to please her.

“I’m so close”, Waverly says, hips rocking faster into Nicole’s face.

Nicole keeps going, Waverly’s thighs tighten around her head.

Waverly comes with a cry and a tug of Nicole’s hair. She shakes hard as she comes down.

Nicole smirks, pressing soft kisses to the inside of Waverly’s thigh.

“Ah”, Waverly yelps when Nicole presses a kiss to her center.

Nicole pulls back, peering up at Waverly, whose hair is tossed over her shoulder and her chest heaving up and down.

“Come here”, Waverly says, desire dripping off her voice.

Nicole doesn’t have to be told twice, she situates herself on top of Waverly, straddling her thigh.

Nicole hadn’t realized how worked up she had gotten, her underwear soaked as she pressed down onto Waverly’s thigh.

“Let's get these off of you”, Waverly says, helping Nicole step out of her underwear. 

Nicole makes her way back to straddling Waverly’s thigh. Waverly looks up at Nicole, smiling widely at her.

Nicole feels another lump in her throat, as Waverly’s eyes never leave hers.

Waverly snakes a hand between them, touching Nicole so gently.

Nicole nearly collapses as gentle fingers run across her center. Waverly slowly drags her fingers up and down Nicole.

“I need you”, Nicole whispers, chasing Waverly’s hands with her hips.

Waverly nods, pressing two fingers inside.

“Waverly”, Nicole nearly sobs out, her hand bracing herself on the railing behind Waverly.

Waverly’s hands are everywhere. Pulling at her backside, helping Nicole ride her hand.

“I missed this”, Waverly sighs as she keeps the rhythm between them, “You’re so beautiful, Nicole”

Nicole ignores the way her heart drops, unable to accept the compliment. She keeps driving her hips up and down on Waverly’s hand.

She’s already so close and they’ve just begun. Everything feels more and every touch is heightened.

“Let go, Nicole. I’m here baby”, Waverly says pressing a kiss to Nicole’s neck, letting her hand pick up speed.

And Nicole does. 

When she comes too, Waverly is smiling at her, her cheeks red and rosy. 

She rests her forehead against Waverly’s, just breathing her in. 

“I don’t think I’ve ever been this happy”, Waverly says after a moment, “So why do I feel like bawling?”

Nicole leans forward, letting her nose brush against Waverly’s, “After what we just did, you're probably pretty dehydrated”

Waverly laughs into Nicole’s lips.

“Your laugh, it’s like Christmas”, Nicole says, nuzzling her nose into Waverly’s cheek.

They kiss again, and Nicole can’t stop her emotions from bubbling over.

“Your lips, they’re so soft”, Nicole breaths out

Waverly smiles, with her hand on Nicole’s cheek, “Are you going to spend all day listing all the things you like about me?”

Nicole pauses for a moment, “More like the rest of my life”

Waverly’s eyes go wide, eyes searching Nicole’s, “I love you”

Nicole’s breath catches in her throat. She thinks of all the nights she laid awake wishing to hear Waverly say that again.

Nicole doesn’t have a chance to respond because Waverly continues, “And I’m also loving the little mermaid vibe. So what you just zipped back into the Ghost River Triangle and got extensions?”

Nicole’s eyes flutter, confusion setting over her, “I just grew it out”

Waverly gives her a questioning look, “What?”

Nicole can’t stop the sadness from rising in her chest, tears falling freely, “I’m sorry. I just missed you so much”

Nicole hides in the crook of Waverly’s neck, holding on tightly to Waverly.

“Wait, how did you grow it out?”, Waverly questions face filled with concern 

“I broke my leg and I came back to Purgatory. But I had to retreat to the homestead. I did everything I could to keep it safe for you.”, Nicole replies

“Wait Nicole just tell me how long have I been gone?”, Waverly asks nervously.

Nicole feels her heart drop, “Don’t you know?”

Waverly shakes her head, keeping her hands on Nicole’s face.

“You’ve been gone 18 months, 3 weeks and 4 days. All of you have”, Nicole says.

Waverly drops her hands from Nicole’s face, “That can’t be”

Nicole chews on the inside of her lip, “It is”

Waverly looks over Nicole’s face. She notices the dark circles under her eyes, her thin frame, and the light scar running up her leg.

“Nicole”, Waverly’s voice is gentler now.

Nicole shakes her head, “Don’t look at me like that”

Waverly doesn’t expect the harshness of Nicole’s voice.

“Baby, we have to talk about this?”, Waverly says, slowly reaching out a hand to touch Nicole’s face.

Nicole clenches her jaw, “I’m tired Waves”

Waverly knows she’s deflecting, but doesn’t want to push, “Okay why don’t we go to bed?”

Nicole looks up the stairs nervously, “ I actually, um, have been sleeping down here”

“Why?”, Waverly asks.

“Rachel sleeps upstairs”, Nicole says, wrapping her arms around herself. 

Waverly’s face contours into confusion, “Who's Rachel?”

“Valdez’s daughter. Wynonna and I met her the day she went into the garden”, Nicole replies, shifting uncomfortably on the steps.

Waverly nods her head, “Okay, I’m sure she won’t mind us sleeping in there for tonight”

Nicole doesn’t say anything. She just moves her body and walks up the steps.

Waverly trails quietly behind her. 

The room looks the same when Waverly steps into it. It seems that Wynonna’s clothes became Rachel’s clothes because they’re scattered along the floor.

Nicole feels a breeze of cold air hit her naked body, she moves quickly to the bed pulling down the covers. 

Waverly follows, silently climbing into bed beside her. 

Nicole is frozen.

“Sweetheart”, Waverly says from beside her.

Nicole looks over to Waverly, tears welling in her eyes, “Yeah”

“What happened?”, Waverly tries again.

Nicole shakes her head, tears finding their way down her cheeks, “I can’t”

“Okay, okay.” Waverly says reassuringly, “Come here. I’ve got you”

Waverly pulls Nicole into her arms, holding her close against her chest. Nicole sobs, letting all of her emotions spill out. Waverly can only look on in terror at Nicole’s response.

She doesn’t know what happened. She’s not sure if Nicole can ever tell her.

“Shh”, Waverly hushes as she runs her fingers through Nicole’s hair. 

Nicole shakes hard in Waverly’s arms, still sobbing against her chest.

**_“Underneath my coat, when you tap my shoulder, hold my hand, Nights with nothing, but dark in there, You could be my armor then”_ **

Waverly starts singing softly.

_**“Island smiles and cardigans,** _ _**The nights that we've been drinking in,** _ _**We're here to help you kill,** _ _**All of this hurt that you've been harboring”** _

Nicole tries to catch her breath, letting Waverly’s voice calm her broken heart.

**_“Confessions should be better planned, Alone that night, I'm surely damned, Run away and I'll understand it”_ **

Nicole holds on tightly to Waverly, afraid she would disappear once again.

**_“What's important is this evening I will not forget, Purple, blue, orange, red, These colors of feeling, Give me love, I'll put my heart in it”_ **

Waverly’s voice makes her eyes flutter closed.

**_“And I think about it all the time, Lights went out, you were fine, You kinda struggled not to shine”_ **

Waverly’s voice starts to fade.

**_“I still love you though, I still love you though, I still love you, always”_ **

Nicole thinks everything will be okay now. Waverly’s home and Wynonna must be too. She should be okay, she should be happy. 

She drifts off into sleep.

She’s okay. She’s okay. 

Everything is fine. 

The worst part is over.

She’ll be okay. Not tonight.

But she’ll be okay, right?

**_“So hold me when I'm home”_ **


End file.
